I am realizing something...I have not one clue.

Lately there have been quite a few ppl telling me who I am...who they think I am. I sit and I think about it and I TRY to see myself through their eyes...but...it's not easy. And if their perception of me is true...then...damn...I'm really f***ed up. I'm f***ed up becuz I do NOT see it. Perhaps I'm looking in a funhouse mirror. It is THAT much different.

You know...they ask me what I want and I have no answer. I have SOME ideas. But what I want and what I think I deserve are not on the same block...let alone in the same house.

I used to have SOME confidence in who I believed myself to be. What ppl told me and what I saw was not that far apart.

Now I no longer trust my own judgments...I can't make decisions...I'm way too afraid of making mistakes.

I remember my husband telling me (not too long ago) that he has changed a lot since he got married (a wee bit...his level of self centeredness has come down a couple of notches) and THEN he said that I hadn't changed at all! Now THAT got my attention! I looked him straight in the eye and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me! I don't even KNOW who I am anymore. I lost ME a LONG time ago! You just think back to who it was you married...think real hard about that. Now, can you look me in the eye and honestly say that this person sitting here in front of you is the same person you married? I don't think so. I have dedicated my life to making sure yours runs as smoothly as possible with very little interuption and that our kids are healthy and happy. I have given everything in me to all of you...and have not asked for anything in return. I did it becuz it is what you do when you love ppl. But I must not have loved myself very much...cuz I forgot all about me. I ignored ME so long...ME went away." and you know what? He had nothing to say to that. Not a damn thing.

And now that I am trying to find me...it is very very hard. I am afraid to find me. And I don't know why. Becuz if I do find me, I will have to deal with me. I will have to pay attention to me. I will have to acknowledge me and my feelings/wants/needs...and that is just a foreign scary thing to me.