I stare at the flashing cursor and know what I want to say...sort of. Can't find the words.
I read back through my last 3-4 posts and even raise my own eyebrows. I would say that at least 85% of the time I hold my tongue/my true feelings in...don't express my opinion. If I fly off the handle I will go do it in private and get it over with.
Too many things have been hitting me wrong lately. Too many things have been happening around me. I have gone too long on too little sleep and feeling like I'm jumping for too many things at once.
None of that is offered as an excuse. I make no excuses. I only write it becuz I am trying to figure out just where the car went off the road. I once said that I don't put my faith in humans. I may not put my faith in them, but I do, maybe naively so, expect those that I treat with kindness and respect to treat me the same way. And when they let me down, I feel another piece of me crack and crumble. There has been too much cracking and crumbling for too many years. While I know who is the one and only Being that can keep me together, I still long for human kindnesses that aren't fake.
I lead too much with my heart. I guess my hurricanes are just a way of me trying to toughen up. There was a time in my life...a good long span...where I was closed up. I stayed that way out of self preservation. I wish I had a dollar for every person that told me my theme song should be "Cold As Ice" by Foreigner. And I was so absolutely cold that I took it as a complement.
I don't like being stone...or cold...or closed off. But I don't know anymore if I can survive with the pains. Yes, there are many good feelings too. But I think I've spent so much time on my knees for so many years, praying for strength and a mended heart...praying to forgive those that hurt...that my knees are looking pretty calloused. Better my knees than my heart, right?
I look around at the world and sometimes feel so much sorrow. What was once thought to be wrong is now accepted a right. What was black is becoming white. Up is becoming down. Nothing is settled.
I can't even commit to a decision about anything. I have been so afraid of change for so long that I have become paralyzed. Sometimes my indecision has saved me. Sometimes it leaves me with, 'If onlys'.
I hear so many ppl saying that their not happy. And still others that seem content. I have tried to grab onto 'content'. And yet I wander through my life grabbing the side rails waiting for the floor to disappear.
God has made many changes in my life and those I love. I am grateful for that. I don't know how ANYONE gets through life without faith in God becuz that is what keeps me moving. Without that I would have deep unending despair.
But now...I need that flood light to show me the road. I need to be shoved down the path becuz I have been standing still in the middle of a rock slide. And it is time to get going.
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Candy! Talk about entering the theather in the middle of Act Two, and then, you'll understand how I'm taking in this post!
Okay. I admit I've been out-of-the-loop, for a good long while now, and I think it's safe to say also, I can relate to everything you write about (Without, even reading the "3-4 posts previous to this one")~~
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I've struggled with how much to reveal, ever since I began blogging. It was easy to be "adam," and use the theme of "Paradise" (California) and The Apple (New York), in order to tell my story; or, "explain myself, to mySELF," as they say.
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There was so much that got left out of the story; so much of what hurt, and so much of what should have been private, and was brought out anyway. All of it, looking at it, I can see as pieces of my life, and I still move forward, without regrets.
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Be yourself, Candy. Life is what we make of it; and, no one else can stand in judgement of You.
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If I'm out of line, tell me so.
If what I can understand of this post, says something to me,
than you've hit the mark.
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(Sorry, I haven't been here, sooner.
~~x`adam-i-am/Will
We have good paved roads that are well lit. We have roads that a dark.
We have gravel roads because we are going to get dirty.
There's the fast lane, the slow lane, we can flow with the traffic, and sometimes we go down the wrong way. We have danger signs and warnings. We are able to get lost or confussed.
and then there is always the road not taken, and then there the big old nasty pot hole.....
I don't look at things as if a door is shut but rather I have to take a detour, and while on this detour I look around because if it wasn't for the detour I wouldn't be there now......
I don't have a problem with being myself most of the time. Other ppl's judgments are going to be there...it is human nature for THAT to happen but I have learned to turn a deaf ear in most cases. I just have to learn to reserve MY opinions and judgments to myself.