Something has happened to me over the years. I have not made up my mind if it is good or bad. I am this whole other person.

I was raised in a Christian household. My parents were very strict, my mother was wound tight..altho I don't blame her for what she was going through. Even then, she put all of our needs first. The woman didn't have a life of her own and she did as her mother did. All she ever asked/expected was for us to follow the rules. My oldest sister skipped school and hung out with 'druggies'. She gave my parents a very hard time. My oldest sister disliked me very much becuz she said I was a 'goody goody'. I followed the rules. No matter what age I was...I was under their roof and I felt I should respect them for letting me be there. My brother was kinda babied more by my mom. He had no respect. He came and went as he pleased and when my mother would try to corner him and read him the riot act, he would just tell her 'yeah yeah, whatever' and keep on going. He would come home drunk alot and throw up everywhere. Us girls had to clean up after him. I smacked him more than a few times. Yet, I am the sister he favors. Go figure. My youngest sister was the whiner. She had a way of making you feel guilty about EVERYTHING. And when she talked to my mom...WOW! Total disrespect. I gave her a smack down or two. She just told me where to get off. Now she lives less than an hour away from me and calls me all the time. My oldest sister still has an attitude problem and drinks a lot. She got herself through college just a few years ago and has a really good job in the physical therapy field...but still has the bad attitude. I recently got to spend some time with her...just she and I. We hadn't done that for a very very long time. We used to spend weekends out at the bars...if I chose to stay home that made her mad becuz then she had to stay sober. I went to keep an eye on her. She is a mean drunk. I literally had to run her out the door of the bars sometimes and beg whomever she ticked off to please ignore the rantings of a drunk person. Many is the time when I had to pull to the side of the road and hold onto her shirt while she leaned out to empty the contents of her stomach. Such fun.

During my teen years, I got tired of everything bothering me all the time and I developed a hard shell. I really didn't care if I hurt someone's feelings. When it came to bf's, I had a lot. 3 weeks was a long relationship for me. But, still, I followed my Christian faith as far as staying a virgin. I threw that all away in college. My heart grew even number. I just didn't care. I marveled at how anyone could maintain a relationship. What was this thing...love? I went through my 20's that way. I guess it was a good thing...so that I could survive 2 rapes. I separated myself. Even to this day...it had to be someone else. Wasn't me.

My now husband came along and for some reason, at that point, I was tired of not being able to get close to anyone. So, when he asked me to marry him I decided it was time. Still, something wasn't right. But when my son was born...all the ice melted. It was the most amazing thing I had ever felt.

All the confidence I had felt becuz of not allowing myself to FEEL anything else...it slipped away. But I returned to my Christian beliefs. It ended up putting a wedge in my marriage...after all, I wasn't like that when we met and married.

Over the years, and after everything, I have lost a lot of my self-confidence. The anxiety over everything has built. I don't do well with groups of ppl so much...although I found a little piece of the old me when I attended some college classes. It was nice. I know that outgoing person is still hiding in there. I just can't seem to make her surface for any length of time.

I really want to use my new education to rejoin the world. I guess I need a really big push. Any volunteers? HEY! I said PUSH...not KICK!